Pleasant Disguise

Every now and then a dream will come along to parallel your true feelings and reveal your entire being. Surreality in somnolence.

I sit on the decaying remains of an oak tree. Orange leaves a strewn about the ground and trees wither in anticipation. The sky is dull and gray; a solid sheet of cloud with no shapes or texture. Still air, no scent.

I feel a hollowness inside my heart, a harrowing sort of feeling. Visions of others smiling, laughing, and happiness flash by my eyes. I can feel hot salty tears well up inside of my eyes. I remember countless times of making people smile. I love making people smile; yet, I realize subconsciously that my desire to impart happiness is in part due to my own emptiness.

I contrast and compare myself and my new found self with others and laugh. I laugh with a sarcastic sneer upon my face. I relish the idea that I need to make people smile to cover and further bury my own feelings. Perhaps it is to save face and shut people out. Others will often assume that the person making jokes and taking light of situations is in fact the one that needs to be cheered up.

Thinking to myself I soon wonder about my new years resolution, which is to do something every weekend for a whole year. Do I want to do something every weekend for a year and whats the result? Am I running from myself and ignoring my inner-self and as a result my inner-self haunts me in a dream? There must be something I seek, something that I don't have.

I don't know where to go from here. I stand up from the log and walk in a random direction. Hands in my pockets I stride contemplatively. "What do I seek, what does it mean?" I think out loud. An all too familiar warmth around my heart beats softly. Closeness and a longing to confide in someone is the emotional response. "What if I don't seek that at all, I am content and actually quite busy for any sort of commitment" I say as I stop and face upwards.

A circulating wind rustles leaves ever so gently. I kneel down and sit back on the log knowing full well that it was there even though I have walked hundreds of yards in deep thought. I feel as if I am making no progress and a feeling of apathetic dismay overwhelms me. I look down and sigh "What do I do?"

A nagging voice in my head convinces me that companionship is not what I seek. I know that there is interest but I shrug it off like its nothing like the ever so common blink of an eye. I am after adventure and glory. A strong yearning to make a difference to a greater cause wells up inside. I feel the need to bring peace and harmony between nature and human-kind. "The depths I would go to eliminate the greed, corruption, and ignorance to save you" I state boldly as I look at the wandering leaves and fresh soil.

A crotch-rocket drives by in very low gear waking me up. Self-realization can come at the oddest of times. Monotony is killing me and I need to find a way to follow my heart into the woods; it's calling me...