Mind Within Mine

I now fear to dream.

The night before last I slept like a baby. A single night of pure somnolence and relaxation out of seven months. The day following was clear and concise. Consider living your life through a haze or a smeared lens with perhaps a dim light shining through. With sleep your world is clear, your lens is spotless, and your light is bright. I would almost assume I was a clairvoyant of such in that I could see things and feel things; truly see things and feel things for how they or what they were.

That night; however, was like the Gods struck me down. With that one single purifying night of sleep I would experience a night of dreams like no other. To any of my readers (likely none, and thats cool) you know the detail that my dreams have. The dreams that I had were unparalleled to any I have had yet.

The dreams this night are so realistic that I can feel all of my senses except sound and then some. I can feel emotions emanating from people and animals. My dreams are completely uncontrollable, which is quite unusual. I feel as if I am experiencing all happenings from a fresh perspective; almost like an infant on a sort of railroad that is my single-path dreams.

Colors. Colors are brand new to me and attempt to flesh out my dream realms in a pulsating fashion. Colors will scale walls paint spec by paint spec and pushing against granules of wood, and metal, and paint, and flesh. Textures too will wax and wane flushing and flowing. The colored flakes of skin with smoothness and roughness flow like a river that is drowned with paint and timber. I feel the colors with a warmth and tenderness and I believe the colors come and go with the heightened emotions felt and emoted through the characters and inhabitants of my dream scape.

Most curious is the appearance of sound. Sound is completely inaudible but is implied directly from the source. Conversation is immediately understood as it seems to come from the sounds source. Words, sentences, and conversations are all heard internally in the mind. Sound effects such as doors closing, feet shambling, cars moving, and flesh melding sensually are all assumed in the mind.

Detail is painfully exquisite. One dream seemed to be entirely the devil taunting His ability to weave intricate hallucinations and broadcast them into His subjects mind. Books had hundreds of pages. Gears had teeth with depths and distances between teeth. Carpet had lengths of cloth and could be individually felt; so much to the point that constant petting of said carpet was numbing to the touch. Wind on the back could evoke shivers and goose bumps at the winds unrelenting will.

The flowing of textures and colors like water, inaudible sound yet indirectly implied and understood, and excruciating detail all combined with wild events to shatter the most sane persons mind. Demons came out of their dark corners and stalked their pray like wolves to a wounded fawn. Insecurities poked, fears prodded, and triumphs mocked I attempt to run, run, run away!

Useless! I cannot control the dreams! I struggle to close my eyes but I am only along for this hellish roller coaster that resides in my sub-conscious. First stop, a bank. The walls are dizzying and wildly pulsating and shining with textures and colors I have never seen. Faces are all shapeless and formless but all figures are known and assumed to be people I know. One person has a face and it is the girl, Kate, whom I currently adore. She is behind the counter and is in shock as she looks at me; and the girl that is wrapped around me holding me gently.

"Make it stop, why am I here with another woman? Who is this woman? Faceless with no identity implied?!" I scream in my mind as I watch myself kiss the faceless woman in my arms. The feeling is so right, the hugs, the kisses, the tenderness; but it feels so wrong! I reach out in my mind's eye "STOP! She is not who you want! How could you do this to Kate?!" yet I continue to show tenderness to this mannequin of a faceless formless being. In the distance I see Kate tear up and walk away with sad drops slipping down from her eyes. What kind of monster have I become? My heart sinks, colors fade, textures disappear, detail slips away, and the dream fades to black.

Three other dreams fly by with similar themes of betrayal and deceit. The world in all dreams appear to be comprised of metal and cogs. Each cog has detailed designs carved between and around the teeth. Each tooth casts long shadows and each shadow seems artificial in an over-saturated and all-encompassing sort of way; imposing to swallow up anything the shadow touches.

A last detail is how each book I touched had so much detail. I could feel the pages and words formed pictures straight out of a graphic novel. Each word beamed an image queue into my brain and as a segment was read the picture became more clear. Reading more fastidiously would yield a movie-like segment of flashing images that blocked out the words entirely. Such a minor occurrence in a dream yet could be a dream in its entirety.

Currently, I went through the day (in real life, unless this is a dream) in a daze and confused about how I should react to such events. People tell me its just a dream, I tell myself its just a dream but how can I possibly dismiss these as dreams when I can feel everything. I have had dreams where people die because I was unable to save them. I cannot stress how attached I was able to get to these dream people and to wake and tell myself to forget is just not humane. Is it inhumane to forget about something that doesn't exist; furthermore, do they really not exist?!

I am clearly losing my mind and am having a harder time separating reality from dream-reality. I can not keep doing this as I fear my (small amount) sanity will not hold but will buckle under the pressure. You could not and would not understand the emotions and feelings I retain from these experiences. Tell me your most real memory, your greatest vacation, your wedding, your mothers funeral, or your favorite pet and then dismiss it as if it never happened. THEN you will know how I feel. You will understand how it is to experience something and live through something and then wake up to be told it was nothing. How can I do this?! How can I sanely and assuredly dismiss the reality within?!